mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
