Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
