dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
