Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
