Michael Bay diarrhea
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
