why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
my poor anus
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize