Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
