it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
