he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
