My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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