I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
