I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
