I wish I could punch you in the face.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
