It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize