Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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