I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
