FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
