we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
