I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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