im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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