Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
