Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
