Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
