Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
