My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
