Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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