Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
