I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
