I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
