I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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