Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
