My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
