I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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