We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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