So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
