I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
