There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
