I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
