Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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