haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize