but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
