I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
