I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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