If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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