I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
