Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
