Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize