so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize