Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My penis needs a shock collar
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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