My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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