Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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