allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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