I met the friendliest cop last night
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
