are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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