he was CRYING into my vagina
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I forget how to act sober
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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