Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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