I haven't been this sober since birth.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
