dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
